Invisible Touch

I think about the oddest things. One of the things that crosses my mind often is touch. Most recently I’ve been wondering why it’s a recurring theme. Why is it so important to me? I finally figured it out.

I don’t have enough.

And I’m not talking about sex. I am talking about the daily stuff; a hug, a kiss on the cheek, a touch on the arm, holding hands. I realized this when I went to get my second shot in my knee this past Tuesday.

My doctor came into the exam room and shook my hand and then put his hand on my knee, the one he was going to inject and asked how it was feeling since the last shot. I was practically giddy. That little thing, that insignificant touch made me realize that it is lacking in my life.

I do get hugs and kisses from my family. But I don’t see them as often as you’d think with us living only 1.5 miles apart. When it’s been a couple of weeks I get big, running in from the other room, throw themselves at me, nephew hugs. When watching movies or TV with them, we all cuddle on the couch.

The times in-between those visits are long dry spells (for lack of a better phrase). I’m not really sure what to do about it that I’m not already doing. I’m see my friends as often as our schedules permit, but really, other than an occasional hug there is no need to touch your friends that much.

Trolling the internet to meet someone for a possible date and eventual relationship has been turning up with nothing but one, ahh, troll. I write to guys who interest me and they never write back. I do get some incredibly handsome men, all from out of state, with the most beautifully written profiles, who, when they contact you, can barely write in English. Those are obviously fake profiles for some sort of scam.


The past couple of days I’ve been thinking about the last two guys who touched me, in a loving and sweet way. First was last summer when I went out with HS guy. He met me at the door with a big kiss, then held me back, looked into my eyes and pulled me close and hugged me. It was sweet, tender, personal. I felt wanted. It was nice. When he dropped me off, he said he’d definitely be seeing me again and then never bothered to call or write. It’s par for the course for me. I don’t know why I expected more. I should know better.

Second, and I had to go back pretty far for this one, was when I was seeing My Mr. Big. When he would stay over, he always fell asleep with his hand on my hip. One night I woke up and he had his face snuggled up into my hair, forehead touching the back of my head. It was sweet. If I was cold, he’d hold me tight. Don’t get me wrong, he didn’t do right by me. But he is a sweet man and the woman he’s with now is very lucky indeed. And you know, he’s back in touch with me, which is why he got the name My Mr. Big.

I know you’re thinking, what about the “fiancé” (aka Commander Klingon)? There was no cuddling, no hand holding, no touching in a caring manner because then that meant something. He went out of his way for anything he did or say to not mean something. We went to a Giant’s game together, and in the crush of people to get into the stadium, I grabbed his hand so we wouldn’t get separated. I felt him stiffen. It lasted for 15 seconds and then he dropped my hand, and as a “joke” tried to hide from me on the other side of the crowd. Yeah – talk about body language. At least in his twisted little way he was more honest than HS guy or My Mr. Big. I’m no longer in touch with him which is a VERY, VERY good thing.

The faucet I got for my birthday still isn’t installed.

I’m not sure what the answer is. I’ve been thinking about going for a massage, but paying someone to touch you because you’re touch deprived, sounds wrong. Like not quite prostitution but close. I don’t know. Maybe I need to stop thinking so much.

Or maybe take more Xanax or something.

*comments have been turned off as there is no need to reply to my sad, depressing rant.

A few things…

First an answer:

For Anon who left a comment the other day: Tish is using STR Medium Weight – color is Knitty Rocks.

I need to find that e-mail notification thingy they have ob Blogger now so I can get back to people in a timely manner.

Second:

OMG I am so bored at work it isn’t even funny! If I sat somewhere not in the public eye, I’d be knitting with my back to the door. If only I could be like IFTish. She can be on a string of conference calls and if she doesn’t have to brow beat them into submission, she sometimes sits and knits.

This is how bored I am. More plant pictures.

This tulip plant was given to me on Monday by another friend here in the office who’s last day was today. L If she didn’t find something before the end of the month, then she was going to be laid off. She found something so good for her!

We’re going to be getting a lot of work in the next few weeks. We have a major submission to a state agency which will involve putting together 12 copies of 7 different binders. Yup – 84, 3” binders. That’s going to be a pain in the butt, but at least we’ll be busy then.

Third:
Did I ever show you where I work on Wednesdays when I go to the client site? This picture was taken from Google Earth, so I’m not showing you anything that anyone else can see. They tend to get a little hinkey about taking personal photos there.

I do drive right by a whole bunch of oil tanks to get to the field office. It has got to the point where if I don’t have smell the smell of gas/oil once a week, I feel like there’s something missing.

Fourth:

My Cock-Knee shot was on Tuesday. It was interesting. I thought it would be unbelievably painful since the shot had to go in my knee. But the actual shot felt like I was getting a flu shot or something. Then when the rooster juice was going into my knee I felt pressure. When all was said and done with, it was a little difficult to bend my knee, and when I stood on it Whooo Boy! Stars! OUCH10 . When I got home, I kept it up and iced it, as per instructions, and it still hurts a bit. By the end of the day yesterday it really hurt so I did the ice and elevation thing again. Today it seems to be better.

I have shot #2 next Tuesday. At least I know what to expect.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll actually show you some knitting!

This cracks me up!

Ad taken from Facebook.

Handsome Professional Men

Seriously? Handsome? The dude only has 1.5 eyebrows? He must have drank too much, passed out and woke up with this look.

I’ve wanted to blog more…

… but there really isn’t anything all that interesting going on in my life right now. So I thought maybe I’d show you how utterly bored I am at work.

I’ve resorted to taking pictures of my plant. I think it’s cool that my Christmas Cactus is blooming again so close to Easter! Well thanks to Tish anyway. I’m not good with plants.

Christmas 2007, Tish bought both of us Christmas Cacti, in the same cute little pot. So this year hers started to bloom and she switched it with mine. I was away from my desk for half an hour and actually thought for a minute that my plant had all of a sudden sprouted all these buds. See. Bad with plants. Totally clueless. Then it dawned on me that Tish must have switched hers for mine. She switched it again when the one in her office started to bloom a month or so later. Then another switch last week, so this is the third time she’s switched it out.

She doesn’t have me fooled any more. heh

Tomorrow is the first shot for my knee. I’m so excited just to get the process started. I may not feel better till a couple weeks after the last shot, but at least there is an end in sight.

Is There a Target On My Back?

Or better yet, when did I become a bad employee? All of a sudden I am being reported to HR for not working my assigned hours and given all sorts of crap for trying to arrange time out of the office for appointments for my knee.

Maybe I just don’t get why someone who has been in the work force for 28 years (HOLY HELL!) has to be treated like a teenager at their first job. Next week they’ll start asking me to punch a time clock.

GAH! (as Bezzie would say)

Let’s move onto a much pleasanter topic…

Look! Imaginary Friend Tish is making a sock! It’s her very first sock and it is coming out so pretty!
She is using some Socks that Rock she purchased at Rhinebeck.

In order for me to be able to show her how to turn the heel, pick up the stitches along the heel flap, decrease along the gusset and eventually, do the toe decreases and grafting, I decided the YO Cable sock would be my instructional knit a long sock.

I'm keeping the foot plain for clearer visual instruction. Tish has done a beautiful job. You should see how pretty the gusset looks, the decreases are not lumpy or bumpy or wandering in the wrong direction like my first sock (thank GOD it was felted after I finished).

BTW – does anyone know a good pattern for 700-800 yards of Noro Silk Garden Bulky? I’ve looked through Ravelry and the majority of the projects are hats and bags.

Online dating = blog fodder

I’ve joined one of the on-line dating sites, one of the bigger ones that you see advertised all over the place. I’ve been a member since January and have had absolutely no luck. I’ve had a lot of guys looking at my profile, but a very few actually contacting me.

I’ve been trying to push myself to scan all the profiles of the guys who fit my criteria, but I have a bunch of hang ups that prevent me from doing that. I figure I’m interested in them, but they would never be interested in me because I’m overweight. Some days I get over it and I’ll write a guy who really stands out. Usually I don’t even get a response. Why do guys do that?

The one time I did actually get a response we chatted on line a bit and then started chatting on the phone. After a few long phone calls we finally arranged to meet for a drink one Saturday evening.

We met at 5:00 at a local chain type restaurant. I should have known that the reason he had a photo sort of far away wasn’t so I could see a full body shot, but because he was much better looking the further away from him you were. Remember that line from Tootsie?

“Can you pull further back?"
“How about Cleveland?”

Anyway, we shook hands outside the restaurant and he asked for a table. He said he was hungry, and I was too so we decided to eat. Neither of us ordered a drink (I probably should have). As we were looking at the menu I tried to make small talk and it was nothing but awkward silence. That should have been another sign.

He did open up after we ordered. He asked me how my week was and I told him about a special ID card I had to apply for so I could continue to work at one of my company's project sites. This site happens to have access to open waterways and frequently has tanker ships pull into their berths. The ID proves that I'm a US citizen and that I haven't jumped off a ship or something, but I digress. My date then went off on a series of tangents; he wondered if the people who work around the Great Lakes would need the same ID and then he eventually started telling me all about the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.

That’s right. The wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. He stayed on this topic for the remainder of our time together. Now just try and get that song out of your head. ;-)

There was a table of women next to us (and behind him) and as they were leaving one of the women caught my eye and she gave me an “oh you poor thing I’m so sorry” look.

We both paid for our meals and then left the restaurant. My knee was hurting and I couldn’t walk as quickly as normal, but even if I did, this guy would still have practically ran from me to his car. I had to yell “It was nice meeting you” at his back. I kid you not. I was so rattled by this that I stood next to a car that looked similar to mine, pushing the unlock on my key fob before I realized that my car was 2 spaces over. I was in my car, on the way home shortly before 6:00. Fastest dinner date ever.

If nothing else, I have a good story for the blog.