Monday, April 18, 2005

Sad Today

My brother moved to NC this past weekend. In a way, it's an end of an era.

When I moved back to NJ a few years ago, he opened his door and let me stay with him for as long as I needed to. He thought I'd be living with him for a couple of years, but as it turned out I bought my place and moved in a mere 5 months. Those 5 months were filled with laughter and silliness, marathon games of Rummy 500 and Scrabble. Hitchcock movies every Sunday night. Delicious meals while listening to Symphony Hall broadcasts. He is one of two people who can make me laugh till I can't breathe.

He's wanted to move to NC for a while now. Ever since my parents moved there, he's come to love the area and the lifestyle. He and my Dad have a lot in common, like taking apart old cars, going to the gun club for target shooting. I suspect that he really missed hanging around with my Dad.

I know he is just a phone call away, but I feel like I've lost my best friend. He was always the one I turned to first for help and advice. We had lunch almost every Saturday (Wendy's!) and then ran errands together or went on our way. We had family dinner every couple of weeks with our brother and SIL and the nephews. Or we'd take our nephews out to dinner so that DB & DSIL could have a night out for themselves. And don't forget he was the one who took me to the vet's office when I finally made the decision to put Rascal to sleep.

On Saturday we said our goodbyes. I thought I was going to be the one to break down, but he cracked first and that just started me. So I made it a quick hug and a "I'll see you soon. Drive carefully and call me when you get there. I love you." I walked to my car, as he walked inside, both sniffing and trying to slow the hitching breaths like little kids who skinned their knees in the play ground.

He called me last night to say that he and my Dad arrived safely. He said "I'm home!" and after a brief conversation, we hung up and I started to cry a little again.

Who's going to call me with "programming notes" about good TV shows that are about to start?

This is going to take some getting used to.

Friday Night

I went to see Collective Soul on Friday night at the Stone Pony. They put on such a great show. I'd see them again in a heartbeat.

As most concerts in bars go, the opening band SUCKED. They had a female lead singer, and she did nothing but scream. Whatever they were playing - it wasn't music. It didn't even pass for music. Horrible. Completely horrible.

Lucky us, a woman wandered over to us with a clip board and asked us how we liked the opening band and if we'd like to be on their mailing list. I looked at my friends and we said "It was hard to hear over here, so I couldn't really say." Then I hear a whine and look over to my left and the lead singer was standing right next to us pouting. She looked at me and said "That's a really diplomatic answer". She moved on to her next target while clip board lady strong armed my friend into giving her e-mail information. She gave them another friend's e-mail, which we all laughed about later in the car.

If you ever have a chance to see Collective Soul - go. If I knew the name of the opening act, I'd tell you so you could stay away from them

Tuesday, April 12, 2005


My mind has been tossing and twirling and spinning and I can't shut the damn thing down. I was in bed at 9PM last night (even tho I wanted to work on an extra surprise for my exchange gift to Sophia), and back up at midnight, then two, then 5 then I slept through the alarm.

I dashed out the door and now, just this second I remembed that I forgot to take the trash out so my place is going to smell like a land fill when I get home. I was so wrapped up in trying to make this decision, that I was speeding along the highway in the left lane and I almost missed my exit from one highway onto another. I had to cut across 4 lanes of traffic to make it the exit. Thank GOD there was an opening and I could make my move safely.

After being a little rattled because I never had to do that before, I settled down into the rest of my ride. I couldn't get over to the right lane to the EXIT ONLY lane that would take me to the third highway and ultimately to my office and so I decided to go on an alternate route (which I switch between since I end up in the same place anyway). I took the next exit, made a right and headed to the light which would bring me out to the third highway. In front of me there are two cars stopped waiting for a chance to make a left onto a side street. I pull to the right to go around them, in a legal lane no less, and this car scoots out from the street on the left and cuts in front of me and almost hit me. I slammed on the breaks, tires screeching and rubber burning as I watched the car's back end narrowly miss my front end. Holy CRAP!!!!

I didn't have time to honk. I didn't give her a dirty look or flip her the NJ State bird or anything, mostly because I was in shock. Later I got to thinking that, if she was half as pre-occupied as I was when I narrowly missed my exit, it was no wonder she didn't see me.

So that made me come to a decision about BFP. Why am I laboring over this decision? It's distracting me and if I don't take action now, I could maybe not have a near miss on the road. Then I'll never know if he meant what he said, and was serious about wanting to get back together and if we will be as good together as I think we could be. I'm going to go ahead and see what happens.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

In an attempt to make Sophia's head explode...

This past week was a particularly weird one for me. It all started with the flood (I must post those photos) and then went quickly into long days ending way to late in the night working on a pitch. Tuesday night I was at work till 9PM, which means I didn't get home till 9:45. Count in wind down time and the fact that I suffer from insomnia, and I got very little sleep. Wednesday night I was at work till 11PM, and well, didn't fall asleep till about 1:30 or 2. On top of that I had to get into work early so I was up at 6:30 and out the door at 7:30 to be there for 8:30.

Anyway - I was running around all morning trying to get the attendees of the pitch settled with all they needed and then get them out the door by noon, 12:30 the latest so they could get there and set up with time to spare. I hear it went better than any pitch they've ever attended. The decision maker at the table wanted to give us the business right then and there, but held back, so that's a big plus for us. I got home and was so tired I couldn't sleep. I hate it when that happens.

While I was working all those long hours I missed two phone calls from the same number on my cell. One on Tuesday night and one on Wednesday. I had no idea who the number belonged to, but it was from the same area code as my work number. There was no message. I decided that on Thursday I would go to and reverse look-up the number. Well, being as over tired and rushed as I was, I forgot all about it. Till I was tossing and turning Thursday night. I thought there could only be four people who would have called me from that area code; either of my two buddies at work, one buddy I made at work who no longer works there, or the Big Fucking Pig. If it had been any of the first three, they would have left a message and mentioned that they had called. I was convinced it was BFP.

Friday, feeling not much better than I did on Thursday, I remembered to look up the number. It produced no results. So I decided, what the hell, I'll call it and see who it is. Sure enough - the BFP.

Me: BFP? It's Buttercup.
BFP: Hi. How are you.
Me: Fine. What's up?
BFP: Nothing. You?
Me: Just work. What's going on? (My cryptic way of saying "Why did you call")
BFP: Nothing. Hey, I'd really like to talk to you. Can I call you later?
Me: Sure.

(Did you hear the fuse being lit on Soph's head?)

Although I did have my moments of panic and freaking out over why he was calling, I mostly kept busy and was too tired to think on it much. I left normal time and on the way home, my mind was spinning. Every time I started to think he was calling to get back together, I just said a "Hail Mary" and asked her to help me stop thinking these thoughts. She was right there for me, even tho I must have said 10 of them before I got home.

When he called he told me that his dad was in the hospital and some other repurcussions that were happening because of his ex-wife. Then he started talking about how he didn't realize that I was as emotionally involved with him as he thought. That he thought we had a casual relationship, and nothing serious. We talked for an hour. We cleared the air about a lot of stuff. I asked him why, if we got along so great, did he not want to take what we had a step further. He said he was wrong and made a mistake by breaking up with me. He actually said "I made a mistake." WOW! So I asked if there was a chance, if he would want to try again and he said he would love the opportunity. But "that decision is really up to you." He said that too. Holy crap!

(fuse is getting closer to explosives)

As luck would have it earlier in the week my home computer was on the fritz. I was getting whacky messages about running out of memory, which is improbable. The only person I know who I'd trust to fix my computer is BFP. But naturally I didn't want to call him and was trying to figure out if there was anyone else who I could ask to take a look at it. Well, because of the BFP's problem with the ex-wife, he was saying that money was tight. So I asked if I could hire him to fix my computer. He said he could fix it on Saturday. Well, I wasn't available all day, so he came over last night.

(No Sophia, no he didn't stay over and no nothing happened)

He was on his best behavior. He was running a little late and called to tell me. He had obviously showered and shaved before he came. He was a gentleman. He didn't even enter my bedroom when I went in there, mid conversation, to put on socks before we ran out to get a bite to eat. We had good conversation, a lot of laughs and he 1/2 way fixed my computer. I need to get more memory before he can upgrade my operating system. He said that would take him a whole Saturday or Sunday. On his way out the door, he leaned in to kiss me, then realized what he was doing and went for my cheek. I told him that now I needed a hug, and I got a bear hug.

So, I have a lot of thinking to do. And I think we have couple more deep conversations in our future before I can make a final decision. After all, this time I know what I'm getting into.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Being single SUCKS!!!

And not because it's "being single". I've actually got used to my own routine. Some days I think that a man would just get in the way of me doing what I want to do when I want to do it.

Being single sucks because the world is made for married people with or without children. Let's talk about the obvious since it's coming up on tax time. If I didn't own my place, I'd pretty much have NO deductions. I'd have to pay. Now, married couples get more than double of what I'm getting back and families, even more so. I don't get a break on my property taxes because I don't have a kid. I still have to pay into the school system like every one else, even tho I don't get any benefit out of it. So why should they get a break on federal taxes because they DO have kids?

Here at work we have a weekly "health tip sheet" that comes from our health insurance carrier. This week it was about stress since this is National Stress Awareness Month. Who knew? Anyway - the first line of the e-newsletter is:

"Everyone seems to be stressed these days, and no one more so than the working parent."

Excuse me?!? Single working people are always the ones stuck in the office covering for the working parents. It's assumed that since we don't have kids or a spouse we don't have lives outside of the office. So all the Mom's and some of the Dad's book out the door to pick up their kids before 6PM and leave the single folks to do the work and put in the long hours.

Basically I'm just complaining about things that will never change.

Monday, April 04, 2005

The water is rising...

Water, water everywhere but not a drop to drink...

That's running through my head (where is it from anyway?) because I'm sitting here in my office, pretending to do work. NJ is flooded. Not the enitre state, but big portions of it, including the parking lot of my office building.

It was weird not being able to drive anywhere close to the building. The COO set up a shuttle bus service (a real nice bus too) from the mall parking lot across the street to the building. I first arrived in the area at about 9:30 am after manuevering through all the traffic to get here. By the time I got to the building it was 11:30. Granted, I coralled a couple of people to head to the diner for breakfast. But I still got here with the majority of the folks.

Luckily, when I pulled into the parking lot that is adjecent to our building (where we can't park) I ran into the HR person and she told me to go home. Which I didn't feel comfortable doing because I didn't drive all the way up here to go home because we "might" close. Which, obviously, we didn't. I think I earned brownie points for that, since my supervisor reports to her.

So, going home tonight is going to be a thrill, I can tell. Maybe we all should have just stayed at the mall and shopped.